I am sure you’re a lovely person. Really, I am. I can tell this by the picture of you and your happy husband that you have sitting right in my line of sight as I’m leaning back in the chair. Your fun-loving dentist scrubs scream “I want to get to know this person better.”
But I’m just here to get my teeth cleaned. I want to get in and out as fast as I can. God knows what the wee ones are doing to the poor neighbor who agreed to watch them for me while I got my teeth cleaned.
If you want to talk to me, that’s fine. I am ok hearing about how you went to Vegas when you were in 8th grade with your parents and stayed at Circus Circus. And how you and your friends went to Potawatamie and played bingo and won $1,000 that you split amongst the four of you on the very last game of the night.
But when you’re telling the stories, please don’t stop cleaning. Don’t back up your stool and look at me and expect me to respond when I have a mouth full of dental implements. Every time I try to talk, I drool a little, and drool creeps me out. Yes, even my own drool.
And when I mention that it took me a month and a half to get the “first available” appointment when I called, I appreciate that you sympathized with me. You told me about how busy it is in the summer months. But if that’s the case, then why were three of you hanging out talking when I walked in. And why was I the only patient there the entire time?
When you’re looking at my previous X-rays, don’t make “bad” noises. It sort of freaks me out. I did feel a little better after you actually looked in my mouth and understood how my teeth work (I was born with no wisdom teeth and was missing 1 1/2 adult teeth — a blessing and a curse, really) and then expressed your relief. My mouth isn’t that freaky. Really, you have to see a lot weirder things on an almost daily basis. You work in a dentist’s office for goodness sake!
I do have to thank you for the new flossy devices though. They are way cool. I love how they’re made of foam at one end that’s nice and soft and really traps things. Giving me a whole package was really nice of you. I guess that’s what happens when I listen to all your stories.
I really don’t want to offend you in any way. Your overtures of friendship were sweet and all. But I’ve got too many friends as it is. Did I mention the ten birthday parties I have to go to between July 27 and August 24? I’m working on removing some of the fringe friends right now. It’s nothing personal, but I just want clean teeth every six months.
Thanks for understanding, and I’ll see you in January. I promise to have flossed more by then. Really!