My Husband, The Urban Dictionary

July 30, 2009 by Michelle

So. It’s summer. The church choir hasn’t been together in awhile. But we had a drop in choir practice. I made the mistake of going. It was the first time some of the members had seen my new haircut.

The choir director told me I didn’t have to sing, just flip my hair and look pretty. So, as a joke — beacause we’re like that in my church — I did the perfect hair flip.

The woman behind me, well, let me clarify, the nearly seventy year old woman behind me, leaned over and whispered, “She’s a cougar!”

Umm, what?

I was insulted by that on a few levels. Really, it was the haircut? And I can’t possibly be old enough to be a cougar, can I?


Oh, how times have changed.

I went hom and complaied about it to my husband. He was quite helpful. Being my husband, he of course had to make a diagram for me because he’s incapable of describing something or giving directions without drawing.

It’s a little blurry, I know, but bear with me. He wrote it on a small Post-It, and I don’t have a fancy camera.

Apparently, there are many categories, and they’re not all mutually exclusive.

So while MILFs apparently encompass a wide range of people, the subcategories do not overlap. Cougars encompass the “older” women who are MILFS and really only include women 35 and over. Oh, goodie. I have a whole year and four months before I actually fit that category. I’m hoping it’s like “old people” where as a child I thought twenty was ancient and now I see seventy or so as the point at which you’re old, thank God.

Then he introduced me to a new category — and I’m so proud of him for knowing this… — pumas. Pumas are apparently the MILFs that fall into the younger category of women. He assured me that I’m definitely a puma. For now.

And I think I’m insulted all over again! And really scared to see what searches I’m going to bring over here.



  • Melisa with one S

    That is adorable.

    Only a teacher would demonstrate a point by drawing a Venn Diagram.

    At least you're still a puma. I broke out of that label 5 1/2 years ago. Wah.

  • Cookie

    I've never heard of a puma. Very educational!

  • Swishy

    OK, the boys at work tease me about being a cougar all the time (one of them is like TWO MONTHS younger), so now I will have to tell them they're WAY off πŸ˜‰ I have YEARS!

  • Laura

    My problem with his explanation is this; teenage boys look at a beautiful mom and think milf (mother I'd like to f..ahem) because she is pretty and sexy
    a cougar is an older woman who likes/lusts after younger men and is no necessarily sexy or attractive

    humongous difference there

    milfs don't = cougar
    cougars don't=milfs

  • septembermom

    Hey, I want to be a puma! I hate that whole cougar label. Sometimes when we are watching a reality show, the host will talk about the “older woman” contestant as a cougar. How did someone in their late 30s or early 40s become “older” in everyone's perception? On my favorite show “So You Think You Can Dance”, they referred to the oldest contestant as mature. Mature?? She's 29 πŸ™‚

  • MaBunny

    oh great – I'm a cougar…

  • Martha

    Don't worry, last year my son in 6th grade had a girl in 8th grade who had a crush on him – his grandmother told him to stay away, she's a cougar! ROFL!

  • Tara R.

    That's truly hilarious! Love the diagram. My Hubs is an engineer, I empathize with detail like that.

    I'm a smidge older than my hubs, and well over 35, does that make me a cougar?

  • Michelle

    Melisa – Yeah… although I have a feeling my husand could be a non-teacher and still go for the Venn diagram πŸ™‚

    Cookie – Sadly, neither had I… I blame all his time around the middle school kids!

    Swishy – Yeah, you have to rub the years part in, don'tcha?

    Laura – That's partly why I was insulted by it! There is probably an overlap for some people but ummm yeah, big difference.

    Kelly – So go be a puma! And 29 mature? Ha! I was so not mature at 29 — although I was a mom. Then again, I don't know that I'd call myself mature now! πŸ˜‰

    MaBunny – Only by my husband's definition, and Laura's already made a good point about him being wrong….

    Martha – LOVE your grandmother. That's absolutely perfect!

    Tara – Yeah, it's definitely an engineer thing, too, isn't it? Hmm, I don't think I'm qualified to vote on that one. BUT my husbad is wayyyyyy older than me (6 years) so how can I be a cougar?

  • WeaselMomma

    You are cracking me up! you milfy, puma, damn near cougar, you.

  • Michelle

    Weaselmomma – Well I'm glad YOU'RE entertained πŸ™‚

  • Mrs4444

    How do we keep up?! Mrroww!

  • Michelle

    Barb – I love the sound effects — they're perfect! And keeping up? Oh, if only I knew….

  • Elizabeth

    That's funny!

  • jenna

    Remember, we don't have to accept derogatory/sexist labels as women; it won't change until we start speaking up and objecting to them on the spot – just like members of other groups that have been discriminated against do. Look at what African-Americans have achieved, with Obama in the White House – a great example for women to follow, but we have to be ready to put aside “feminine” niceness sometimes to do that – let's do it!

  • Michelle

    Elizabeth – I thought so. Sorta. Buuuut sorta bizarre, too πŸ˜‰

    Jenna – I'm with you that the derogatory labels shouldn't be used to discriminate or put anyone down. When used in some cases not as a pejorative with people who understand that, there are exceptions. And I think it's wonderful what blacks (who aren't ALL from Africa) have done in the last sixty plus years.

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