I went back and took a look at the post I wrote briefly on Saturday night about the NPR piece on the bailout. And then I read Irene’s post on coming to terms with having a special needs child. And it got me to thinking. I’m a little freaked out.
And I’m kind of a lot freaked out about a bunch of things. However, talking about them seems to make them just a little bit smaller. And a little bit more manageable. So here come my biggest fears. Ready?
1) I know that I’m going to die in a car crash. I know it will be someone t-boning me at an intersection. I just don’t know what intersection or when. And every time I go through an intersection, I look both ways to make sure no one’s coming. You can’t imagine the relief I felt a year ago when I was driving home late at night and saw a car flying through the red light perpendicular to me. I was twenty feet from the intersection.
2) Mister Man has made so many strides in the past two years. In the past four years. The day a friend was over with her daughter and for the first time he asked someone if they wanted to play a game with him, I almost cried. And as he’s getting older, the social interactions are getting harder and more complex. And the stakes are getting higher. And I’m so afraid that he isn’t going to figure out how to navigate those treacherous waters.
3) And then there’s Little Miss. She’ll have no problems whatsoever socially. She’s always had everyone wrapped around her little finger. Everyone loves her. And she’s the most stubborn little cuss I’ve ever met. She’s a handful now, and I’m so afraid of what she’s going to do as a teenager just to prove someone wrong. What stupid choice will she make that will forever alter her life or someone else’s life that, just like Humpty Dumpty, can never be put together again?
4) I dodged a bullet this week. My dad found a lump. It had to be biopsied, and the doctor wasn’t encouraging. Thank God, it turned out benign, but it really made me think. My parents are older, and their health isn’t great. I miss my grandparents so much, and my parents are so close to my kids. I couldn’t bear losing them, and I fear that the day is coming sooner than when I’ll be ready. And I know I’ll never be ready. But the thought of my parents not at a graduation or a wedding or a birth or even just a birthday, the mere thought terrifies me.
5) The genes in my family and my husband’s family aren’t the greatest. We’ve both been blessed, but there are so many in both our families who have problems with alcohol and depression. They’re only three and four, but we’ve already started talking to them about what’s ok and what’s not and how sometimes things and moods work differently for different people. I hope against hope that if I prep them now, I can help save them from a miserable future tomorrow.
6) Financially, my family is ok. Right now, anyway, and as a teacher, he’s got more security than most. I work in the financial industry (not as secure obviously), and I see how bad it is for so many people. And I talk to people around where I live who are cutting back and struggling and changing what they do and how they do it. This isn’t good. It’s getting worse. And I’m afraid of how bad it will get and what people will do to cope.
7) Society is changing, and it isn’t changing for the better in my opinion. People are ruder, they seem to care less about others, and morals seem to be disappearing. I look at how people acted when I was growing up, and I hear stories from friends of mine about how much worse it is now. By the time the wee ones are older, what will it be like? It’s completely out of my control, and I don’t want them to be the bad kids that follow the crowd, either.
8) When we went to the Fourth of July parade a year ago (not this past year), Mister Man wandered away from us when we said it was over and time to go home. We all started packing things up, and he just left. When we were in Minnesota at the Mall of America, a man was running around Legoland looking for his two year old daugher Natalie who had disappeared. The very thought of losing my child somewhere, somehow… it’s devastating.
9) This one is a silly fear, but it’s there nonetheless. What if no one likes me anymore? What if I say something that offends someone, and they tell someone who tells someone? And if I keep doing that, then what? I know I have friends, and plenty of them. But then I think of the women who “should” be my friends but we’re casual acquaintances. What did I do that they don’t like me? Yeah, I told you it was silly.
10) And my biggest fear of all? That one’s easy. I so fear failure. As a child, things were easy for me. My mom and dad took great care of me, and school was a breeze. I had great friends, and my hobbies were fun and easy. It wasn’t until I went to college that I experienced my first taste of failure. And when you don’t learn about it until then, it’s paralyzing. You’d rather not try than fail. And I recognize that and fight that, so I do get things done. On a regular basis, I sabotage myself so that if I do fail, it isn’t my fault — unconsciously, of course. The Pumpkin Fest next Thursday? I didn’t “find time” to contact the grocery store to get our discounted pumpkins until last Thursday. That’s two weeks to get them to agree, line up the pumpkins, and get everything in. It’s all worked out (except the hay bales I’m still waiting on, but that’s someone else’s responsibility) luckily, but dummy, get your fanny in gear so you don’t have to stress about it!
Reading over this, I sound like such a worrywort, a weak and whiny person. And I’m really not. I’m a very creative person. I’m strong, and I like to be in charge. These traits help me out all the time, but every plus has a minus. If you’ll notice, with one significant exception, they’re all worst case scenarios that I can’t control.
So what are your biggest fears?